Oregon Rebels Regret Taking Wildlife Reserve

After careful deliberation among the entire group stationed inside the federal building, the armed protesters have decided the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge was not the optimal target for forced takeover in order to inspire change in the government.  "Honestly, I don't think anyone gives a shit about the wildlife refuge, so I have no idea who…

How To Use A Lighter

I've been receiving tons of fan-mail lately from people all around the world, and they've all asked me the same thing: "Ryan, how do I operate a lighter?  I desperately need to set things on fire on the go, but I can't figure it out for the life of me!"  And they have a valid…

Thanksgiving Letters

Dear Mom, For shit's sake, stop calling the bowl of  fuck-all whatever you make on Thanksgiving stuffing, because it is not stuffing.  You know why it's not stuffing, Mom?  Because stuffing goes in the fucking turkey.  Does that bowl look like it's in the turkey to you?  No, it doesn't. What do you even put in "stuffing"…

Fleishapalooza?!

Well folks, The last week and a half has been pretty eventful.  Last weekend was Lollapalooza, the iconic music festival in Chicago.  Many amazing artists, and more importantly I, were there. This was followed by the first Republican GOP debate on Tuesday, where the top 10 polling candidates valiantly fought for the hearts of America onstage.…

Cecil Deserves a Fair Fight!

People, I am sure by now you have heard some news relating to the death of Cecil the lion.  Cecil was a majestic creature and rightful king of the lions, with his flowing mane and 9 inch lion dong.  He loved to prance around his turf and fuck his lion bitches.  That is, until the…

Job Interview Tips

In the current job market, interviews serve as an integral part of the hiring process and a unique opportunity to set yourself apart from other candidates.  Here are some crucial tips for landing your dream job. Bring your mother and/or father with you. Your parents serve as a great resource to vouch for your diligence,…