Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local cafe? Did you meet up with your date, only to realize that she looked different than her profile photo? That girl wasn’t the 5’9“ Brazilian Bombshell with a banking job you expected, but Danny…
Dealer: Roommate Apparently Gone Hunting
As of last Tuesday, University of Chicago student Jim Jackson has disappeared in order to “hunt”. According to multiple sources, Jim was working on creating his fall schedule when he suddenly sniffed the air, proclaimed “it’s rabbit season,” grabbed his crossbow, and sprinted out of Renee Granville-Grossman Commons. After extensive research, the Shady Dealer confirmed…
Dealer: Suggested Accessories for Sleeping in the Lounge
Mechanical crossbow for hunting food and protecting your spot Lotion, as elbows tend to get chaffed overnight in the lounge. Speakers so everyone on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd floorother floors of your house can hear your amazing taste in music. A CD copy of In an Aeroplane over the Sea to…
Dealer: Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle
In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle at the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. As the dark horse competitor for the United States of America, Lil Uzi Vert wowed the world with a score of 97.36. While…
Dealer: University Drug Ring Bust Yields Over 30 Pounds Of Raw Prozac
In a sting operation planned over the course of seven months, the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) finally took down a massive University drug ring responsible for pumping more than 30 pounds of pure, raw Prozac into the student body. This vile drug ring has already proven to have smuggled over 40 million dollars…
My First Humor Article: Michelle Obama Releases Pack of Dogs to Chase Obese Children
Last Tuesday, as the final phase in her Let’s Move! program to promote health and fitness among American youth, First Lady Michelle Obama officially released a large pack of trained dogs to chase obese children until they lose weight. These dogs are the new feature of the First Lady’s Let’s Move! program, which promotes fitness…
Dealer: ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse
After years of wreaking havoc throughout the Western world with unbridled violence and hatred, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has finally announced that they realize the error of their ways and intend to apologize by giving the United States a massive wooden horse statue. According to ISIS, the gigantic horse structure is…
Dealer: Op-Ed: Porn is Worse Here
Porn. I love it, you love it, we all love porn, but especially me. I love porn the most, so I am deeply saddened that I must inform you that all porn is worse here. I was once a dewy-eyed lad like you. I came in dreaming of all the wondrous porn at my fingertips,…
Dealer: Horribly Misguided Sign Tells Drivers To “Stop”
Having driven along Wabash Avenue multiple times in the last 2 weeks, residents of Chicago have unhappily realized that some absurd new sign in the road is commanding them to cease motion mid-drive. “At first I was unsure how to react to the mysterious sign, as I had seen nothing like it before,” said Neighborhood…
Dealer: Local Horse Festival Immediately Followed By Local Glue Festival
After rocking the foundations of the city Chicago with their awesome celebration of and deep-seated affection for everything horse, the Chicago Horse Festival is finally packing it in to transition to the upcoming Chicago Glue Festival this Tuesday. The veritable medley of horse-centric activities like the Soldier Field Horse Race and the Cavalia horse performance…
In The Fleish 