12 Other Groups of Sexual Deviants We Should Ban From Women’s Restrooms

Friends, family, fellow Christians: if you know me, you know I hate sexual deviants.  Nothing angers me more than the idea of sex-starved hooligans violating true Americans, except possibly the Muslims.  When I heard of the North Carolina bathroom laws, I darn nearly cooked 2 hams in celebration.  No longer would those predatory sex-swappers try…

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A Letter To Prospective Students

Dear Prospective Students, First and foremost, congratulations on getting into The University of Chicago. Our college is world-renowned, featuring a prestigious history an unrivaled dedication to education. As people who have braved some of the lowest recorded acceptance rates, you are all magnificent, and you will assuredly become even more magnificent in the future. When you…

Donald Trump Releases New Campaign Banner

In the midst of his hugely successful Super Tuesday results from Alabama through Virginia, Donald Trump has released an entirely new design of his presidential campaign banner. “The Trump campaign is proud of our new campaign banner, as it combines the patriotic red, white, and blue colors with the great Trump reputation,” said an anonymous…

Valentines Day Guide

Hey Folks, I'm here to guide you on your journey through Valentines Day.  I know all you singles are wondering, "what do I do today without a lover?"  Well, you sorry sadsacks, I can tell you what to do.  After braving many Valentines Days past, I've accumulated a comprehensive list of things to do by…

Oregon Rebels Regret Taking Wildlife Reserve

After careful deliberation among the entire group stationed inside the federal building, the armed protesters have decided the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge was not the optimal target for forced takeover in order to inspire change in the government.  "Honestly, I don't think anyone gives a shit about the wildlife refuge, so I have no idea who…