Lately, I haven’t been feeling so great. My knees hurt a bit, I have a bruise on my arm, and I coughed a couple times yesterday. I went to my doctor, one of the most skilled medical practitioners in town, and he prescribed me some good ol’ bloodletting. Therefore, I am overjoyed by the fact…
Dealer: Pirates Beat Scurvy With New Invention: “Bud Light Lime”
In an unprecedented stroke of maritime genius, local pirate captain Bart Seaman staved off scurvy for his entire pirate crew by inventing a new beverage called “Bud Light Lime” that combined the hallowed American flavor of Bud Light with the refreshing citrusy tones of lime. “I created Bud Light Lime to keep my crew safe from the horrors…
Dealer: Area Student’s Daily Schedule Totally Unchanged By Lockdown
After all classes and activities at the entire University of Chicago‘s Hyde Park campus were cancelled and the campus put on lockdown due to a terrorist threat of mass violence this Sunday, local second year Brian Wexler expressed relief to reporters that the situation would leave his personal schedule entirely unchanged for the day. Brian…
Dealer: Nirvana Preemptively Eliminated from Summer Breeze Lineup
In an unexpected turn of events, the Major Activities Board has officially announced this Wednesday that Nirvana will not be able to perform at this year’s Summer Breeze festival. This announcement goes against months of student speculation of the Summer Breeze line up, and has left student Nirvana fans like third-year Visual Arts major Walter Brown wildly…
Dealer: Eight Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairs
Mona Lisa The Mona Lisa is widely considered the finest painting in all creation, so I really fucked up when I dropped it down 3 flights of stairs. Nobody knows why the lady is smiling, and now nobody will ever know because there is a large hole where her face used to be. American Gothic The couple in this staple of…
Dealer: Financially Struggling Rainbow to Cut Indigo
Last Friday, The Rainbow announced that its sixth color, indigo, has been officially removed from all future and current incarnations of itself due to budget constraints. While this announcement affirms a large amount of public speculation, many rainbow-viewers were immensely surprised when the news came. The Rainbow reached the decision to remove indigo after months…
Dealer: Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans
Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge evolution as a fact, especially in regard to humans. “I can’t accept that we evolved from those stupid hominids. They have only two tentacles! They aren’t even purple!” said Association Vanguard Ch’Turggah…
Dealer: How To Tell If Your Tinder Date Is Actually Danny DeVito In Drag
Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local cafe? Did you meet up with your date, only to realize that she looked different than her profile photo? That girl wasn’t the 5’9“ Brazilian Bombshell with a banking job you expected, but Danny…
Dealer: Roommate Apparently Gone Hunting
As of last Tuesday, University of Chicago student Jim Jackson has disappeared in order to “hunt”. According to multiple sources, Jim was working on creating his fall schedule when he suddenly sniffed the air, proclaimed “it’s rabbit season,” grabbed his crossbow, and sprinted out of Renee Granville-Grossman Commons. After extensive research, the Shady Dealer confirmed…
Dealer: Suggested Accessories for Sleeping in the Lounge
Mechanical crossbow for hunting food and protecting your spot Lotion, as elbows tend to get chaffed overnight in the lounge. Speakers so everyone on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd floorother floors of your house can hear your amazing taste in music. A CD copy of In an Aeroplane over the Sea to…