Area Student Dreads Phone Call Home After Getting Shot

After suffering a single non-lethal bullet wound during a walk through campus, local First-Year Jenny Collins reportedly entered a state of extreme anxiety when nurses recommended she inform her parents of the wound. "Getting shot sucks enough already, but now I have to tell my parents about it?  I'm not sure I can handle the stress of telling…

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From Best to Worst: A Definitive Ranking on Cardinal Directions

To my absolute shock and horror, nobody has created a high quality ranking of directions on the internet yet.  This astounds me, as such commonplace terms must have a hierarchy of importance.   Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to create the official order of cardinal directions. West - duh.  West lays claim to…

How To Use A Lighter

I've been receiving tons of fan-mail lately from people all around the world, and they've all asked me the same thing: "Ryan, how do I operate a lighter?  I desperately need to set things on fire on the go, but I can't figure it out for the life of me!"  And they have a valid…

Thanksgiving Letters

Dear Mom, For shit's sake, stop calling the bowl of  fuck-all whatever you make on Thanksgiving stuffing, because it is not stuffing.  You know why it's not stuffing, Mom?  Because stuffing goes in the fucking turkey.  Does that bowl look like it's in the turkey to you?  No, it doesn't. What do you even put in "stuffing"…