After all classes and activities at the entire University of Chicago‘s Hyde Park campus were cancelled and the campus put on lockdown due to a terrorist threat of mass violence this Sunday, local second year Brian Wexler expressed relief to reporters that the situation would leave his personal schedule entirely unchanged for the day.
Brian reportedly was lying in his bed when he received a warning from President Zimmer about the online terrorist threat, and subsequently realized that his schedule would change in no perceivable way as a consequence.
“At first I was worried, like, what about my Spanish class? How will I go out to eat food? Fortunately, I remembered that I have not gone to Spanish class in five weeks and I only eat instant ramen and easy-mac,” said Brian, who has not left his dormitory in four days. “I guess the whole situation might stifle my social life, but I didn’t have any plans with friends in the first place regardless of any shootings.”
Admitting that he was still slightly worried about the possible school shooting, Brian examined his closet and bed as possible hiding spots, made sure his locked his door was still locked, and put down his window shades. However, this initial fear was overtaken when Brian felt a small bout of heartburn.
Brian encountered a problem when he discovered that the Regenstein Library will be closed, but this was resolved when he found the built-in white-board extension on the dormitory furniture.
(This article was originally published in the Chicago Shady Dealer on Dec. 1, 2015)
In The Fleish 