Lately, I haven’t been feeling so great. My knees hurt a bit, I have a bruise on my arm, and I coughed a couple times yesterday. I went to my doctor, one of the most skilled medical practitioners in town, and he prescribed me some good ol’ bloodletting. Therefore, I am overjoyed by the fact…
Dealer: Pirates Beat Scurvy With New Invention: “Bud Light Lime”
In an unprecedented stroke of maritime genius, local pirate captain Bart Seaman staved off scurvy for his entire pirate crew by inventing a new beverage called “Bud Light Lime” that combined the hallowed American flavor of Bud Light with the refreshing citrusy tones of lime. “I created Bud Light Lime to keep my crew safe from the horrors…
Dealer: Area Student’s Daily Schedule Totally Unchanged By Lockdown
After all classes and activities at the entire University of Chicago‘s Hyde Park campus were cancelled and the campus put on lockdown due to a terrorist threat of mass violence this Sunday, local second year Brian Wexler expressed relief to reporters that the situation would leave his personal schedule entirely unchanged for the day. Brian…
Dealer: Nirvana Preemptively Eliminated from Summer Breeze Lineup
In an unexpected turn of events, the Major Activities Board has officially announced this Wednesday that Nirvana will not be able to perform at this year’s Summer Breeze festival. This announcement goes against months of student speculation of the Summer Breeze line up, and has left student Nirvana fans like third-year Visual Arts major Walter Brown wildly…
Dealer: Classmate Insists All His Essays Be Called Manifestos
Throughout his three years as a student in Social Sciences at the University of Chicago, classmate Brady Schultz has insisted that every single essay, paragraph, and problem set he penned be called a manifesto. Wikipedia defines a manifesto as “a published verbal declaration of the intentions, motives, or views of the issuer, be it an…
Dealer: Eight Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairs
Mona Lisa The Mona Lisa is widely considered the finest painting in all creation, so I really fucked up when I dropped it down 3 flights of stairs. Nobody knows why the lady is smiling, and now nobody will ever know because there is a large hole where her face used to be. American Gothic The couple in this staple of…
Dealer: The Next Final Frontier After Space is My Parent’s Attic
After nearly 60 years of exploration into the boundless annals of space, the world is ready to move on to the deeper mysteries of life, namely those in the corner of an attic in the suburbs of New York City. Scientists agree that the end of The Space Age is being closely followed by a…
Dealer: Lactose Intolerance No Longer Allowed on Campus
Last Thursday, Dean Boyer and his fellow rulers of The University of Chicago have = banned all forms of lactose-intolerance, ranging from mild lactose-aversion to full blown lactose-hatred. This new legislation is the result of student activism as well as general public belief, with the intention of eliminating the oppression of milk-based products on campus. The Anti-Anti-Lactose…
Dealer: Financially Struggling Rainbow to Cut Indigo
Last Friday, The Rainbow announced that its sixth color, indigo, has been officially removed from all future and current incarnations of itself due to budget constraints. While this announcement affirms a large amount of public speculation, many rainbow-viewers were immensely surprised when the news came. The Rainbow reached the decision to remove indigo after months…
Dealer: Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans
Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge evolution as a fact, especially in regard to humans. “I can’t accept that we evolved from those stupid hominids. They have only two tentacles! They aren’t even purple!” said Association Vanguard Ch’Turggah…
In The Fleish 