Donald Trump Releases New Campaign Banner

In the midst of his hugely successful Super Tuesday results from Alabama through Virginia, Donald Trump has released an entirely new design of his presidential campaign banner. “The Trump campaign is proud of our new campaign banner, as it combines the patriotic red, white, and blue colors with the great Trump reputation,” said an anonymous…

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Valentines Day Guide

Hey Folks, I'm here to guide you on your journey through Valentines Day.  I know all you singles are wondering, "what do I do today without a lover?"  Well, you sorry sadsacks, I can tell you what to do.  After braving many Valentines Days past, I've accumulated a comprehensive list of things to do by…

Oregon Rebels Regret Taking Wildlife Reserve

After careful deliberation among the entire group stationed inside the federal building, the armed protesters have decided the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge was not the optimal target for forced takeover in order to inspire change in the government.  "Honestly, I don't think anyone gives a shit about the wildlife refuge, so I have no idea who…

How To Use A Lighter

I've been receiving tons of fan-mail lately from people all around the world, and they've all asked me the same thing: "Ryan, how do I operate a lighter?  I desperately need to set things on fire on the go, but I can't figure it out for the life of me!"  And they have a valid…

Thanksgiving Letters

Dear Mom, For shit's sake, stop calling the bowl of  fuck-all whatever you make on Thanksgiving stuffing, because it is not stuffing.  You know why it's not stuffing, Mom?  Because stuffing goes in the fucking turkey.  Does that bowl look like it's in the turkey to you?  No, it doesn't. What do you even put in "stuffing"…

Fleishapalooza?!

Well folks, The last week and a half has been pretty eventful.  Last weekend was Lollapalooza, the iconic music festival in Chicago.  Many amazing artists, and more importantly I, were there. This was followed by the first Republican GOP debate on Tuesday, where the top 10 polling candidates valiantly fought for the hearts of America onstage.…