After an long, uneventful Wednesday at his job in the city, local blind man Jeremy Stone was bound, gagged, thrown into a van, then forced to eat 3,000 candy bars within a short period of time.

“It was horrible,” said Jeremy, who was tied down to a chair and made to eat 3,000 unmarked candy bars of different brands and formulas. “The first 10 or so chocolate bars were a delicious treat, but the 2,900 afterwards blended into a morass of semisweet decadence.”

“I only know those words because my kidnappers whispered chocolate-themed adjectives in my ear constantly,” added Jeremy.  “I can no longer sleep without thinking of ‘creamy Belgian goodness’.”

According to Jeremy, his kidnappers used a loud car that smelled vaguely of cherries to take him to a quiet location which smelled vaguely of dust.  Jeremy could not elaborate on the details of the car or the room because Jeremy is blind.

Once the feeding of the chocolate began, Jeremy had to eat a chocolate bar every 2 minutes.  While this normally would take quite some time, the caffeine prevented Jeremy from sleeping and allowed him to finish chocolate bars in a single multi-day run.  After eating the bar, he was to rate it on a scale from 1-10 in flavor, texture, style, aura, and enthusiasm.  Finally, he had to draw a picture resembling his emotions after each bar.

If Jeremy refused to eat a chocolate bar, the kidnappers would gently rub the chocolate on his mouth until some got in, while calling him a dirty whore.  Jeremy said, “The insults hurt my feelings, but frankly my whole emotions thing was tuckered out after the kidnapping and the force-feeding, so I just kinda went along.”

After a long weekend of cocoa-based torture, Jeremy was returned home, sporting a lifetime of mental trauma to unpack and 20 dollars in assumed compensation.  While Jeremy has suffered a great crime, he can find solace in the fact that every blind person over the age of 16 has undergone the exact same experience.

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