Friends, family, fellow Christians: if you know me, you know I hate sexual deviants. Nothing angers me more than the idea of sex-starved hooligans violating true Americans, except possibly the Muslims. When I heard of the North Carolina bathroom laws, I darn nearly cooked 2 hams in celebration. No longer would those predatory sex-swappers try to shove their sin-covered wieners and hoohahs at today’s youth! This joy faded, however, when I realized a whole slew of sexual predator rapists were still allowed into our women’s bathrooms to rape our children. These are the sodomites to ban first.
A promising Latino doing God’s work
- The Jews – Let’s face it folks, the Jews love money. I have no doubt that Jews use their Jewish claw hands to sneak photos of young belles in the bathroom, which they sell for filthy cash.
- The Japanese – As we all know, the Japs are into the weird porn. Most likely, the Japs buy all the upskirt photos that the Jews are taking of our sweet children, then add tentacles and pixels for their twisted porn agenda. Do not be swayed by their oriental charm. The Japs are here for sex and sex only.
- People with Lazy Eyes – God would never give people lazy eyes unless they were sex fiends. I bet these criminals’ eyes become a lot less lazy when an innocent girl walks into the bathroom.
- Dogs That Haven’t Been Neutered, Specifically Great Danes – I love dogs as much as anyone else. In fact, I have my own spayed and neutered Golden Retriever. However, dogs that aren’t neutered are just animals with working dongs, and all animals want to ravage teenage girls. The Great Danes are the most sex-thirsty; I can see it in their eyes.
- Animals with Really Big Dicks – On the topic of animals, some animals have extremely large penises. While these animals are unlikely to find their way into a bathroom, they would ravage so many women if they did that they must be considered a top threat.
- Lena Dunham – She molested her sister throughout childhood. That is incredibly disgusting. Also, Girls is a horrible show that drives women to sexual depravity to escape their boredom.
- Anyone Who Has Recently Listened to Prince – Listening to Prince then not making love is extremely taxing, and these folks are often driven to taking out their music-driven sex frenzy on innocent bathroom-goers.
- Miley Cyrus – This she-devil is Lilith incarnate, and will not stop her campaign of drug-dealing satanic sex orgies until she has destroyed America. Clearly, Miley is unfit for our bathrooms.
- Female Athletes – Female athletes develop a buildup of testosterone unfit for their frail woman bodies, which makes them violent and sexually starved like the sex-swappers. Female athletes are thus liable to snap and rape innocents. As an aside, all male athletes are exempt from this point because Roethlisberger threw a clutch touchdown last Monday.
- Phallic Objects – Phallic objects do not have a conscience, which means that they do not know God, which means they are liable to rape every innocent White vagina and buttox in sight.
- College Students – These horny hipsters spend all their time having pre-marital sex with each other on “quads”, or reading evil philosophical books telling them to have even more sinful sex binges. There is not a single college student in this world I trust to use the bathroom without spreading sodomy. Except for the jocks. God loves jocks.
- Me – I am prone to anger, I haven’t gotten laid in 13 years, and the proud owner of 3 terabytes of fetish pornography. Imposing myself on bathroom-goers is my lifelong dream.