Dear Prospective Students,
First and foremost, congratulations on getting into The University of Chicago. Our college is world-renowned, featuring a prestigious history an unrivaled dedication to education. As people who have braved some of the lowest recorded acceptance rates, you are all magnificent, and you will assuredly become even more magnificent in the future.
When you intelligent, beautiful people visit campus, remember one thing: You will never beat me in the ring.
My wrestling skills are unparalleled. My suplexes are legendary, and I will pin you down before your weak, slow, eyes can even blink. The pure force of my Atomic Leg Drop can break diamond. The Cold War ended when my Reverse Piledriver made nuclear weapons obsolete. When Steven Hawking saw my Shooting Star Press, the pure aerodynamics of my move inspired his quantum theories.
Your abilities mean nothing in the face of my technique. I will force you to submit, regardless of which AP courses you took in high school. I do not care how many huts you built in third world countries when I put you in a leg lock until you submit from pain.
I eat Nobel Prizes for nourishment.
When I was a newborn babe, The Undertaker, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Hulk Hogan came to my manger. These wrestling magi offered me gifts of hand chalk, tights, and steel chairs. When I was in my teenage years, John Cena took me under his wing, and taught me every wrestling move to have ever existed. I have mastered judo, and I have mastered jiu-jitsu. After my training, Triple H himself came to me, and said, “I do not dislike you.”
You know math. You know science. You know history. But all those knowledges are nothing in the face of my knowledge. For I know how to take your body from One Place and put it into The Other Place. Once I put it into The Other Place, it will stay there.
I am unstoppable.
Even so, you will do great things at The University of Chicago. You may cure cancer, or discover an entire new branch of physics. Just remember: beating me in a wrestling match is not one of these things. I rule the ring.