After suffering a single non-lethal bullet wound during a walk through campus, local First-Year Jenny Collins reportedly entered a state of extreme anxiety when nurses recommended she inform her parents of the wound.
“Getting shot sucks enough already, but now I have to tell my parents about it? I’m not sure I can handle the stress of telling Mom and Dad about my near-death,” Said an exasperated Jenny, whose left thigh was severely injured by a hollow-point bullet outlawed by the Geneva Convention. “I bet they will notice that I’m still woozy from blood loss. Oh god, what if they drive up to see me? I’ll be so embarrassed.”
“I would be pacing up and down the halls like crazy if it weren’t for the fact that I might need months of physical therapy to regain use of my leg,” continued Jenny.
Jenny was especially upset about the shooting because her parents had specifically warned her over Thanksgiving not to get shot by any terrorists or mentally unstable social pariahs.
When asked why she was on the quad at the time of the terrorist attack, Jenny was at first reluctant to answer. She eventually admitted to attempting to go to Qdoba for a Two Tacos meal exchange with chips on the side, specifically citing the new rule allowing her to get guacamole as a side for no surcharge.
Multiple nurses reported that Jenny came into the Intensive Care Unit in extreme pain from her wound, though not as great as the mental stress of describing it to her parents. “This is always the hardest part,” said Head Nurse Wanda Lee. They were last seen collectively shaking their heads in sympathy while Jenny took her cellphone off her IV rack.
At press time, Jenny was practicing her approach to telling her parents about the bullet wound while doctors desperately transfused blood into her system.