To my absolute shock and horror, nobody has created a high quality ranking of directions on the internet yet. This astounds me, as such commonplace terms must have a hierarchy of importance. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to create the official order of cardinal directions.
- West – duh. West lays claim to one of the most important hemispheres in the world, the Western Hemisphere, as well as cowboys and gold. Without West, Kanye would have a lame last name like Stevens. Furthermore, West rhymes with best. Case closed.
- Up – I’m going for the top, baby! 100 or nothing, ride or die! Unfortunately, this is not number one because I cannot find the stairs.
- North – New York is in the north. Penguins are in the north. North lays claim to one of the most important hemispheres in the world, the Northern Hemisphere. In addition, North blesses various places such as Carolina, Dakota, and Ireland. Separation ho!
- Orthogonal – I don’t know what this means but I learned it in math class.
- South – gumbo and gunbo aren’t the same. One of them involves a weapon pointed at me, and it shouldn’t. Therefore, South takes a hit in popularity. However, South lays claim to one of the most important hemispheres in the world, the Southern Hemisphere.
- East – What is the point of the East? Honestly, the vowel-to-consonant ratio for the word East is a repulsive 2/4. How did people let that go through? Thanks, England. The East has a crap hemisphere that no one likes, the Eastern Hemisphere.
- Whatever Direction Points Towards That Open Sewer Smell – This placement is self-evident. It is also probably East.