I’ve been receiving tons of fan-mail lately from people all around the world, and they’ve all asked me the same thing: “Ryan, how do I operate a lighter?  I desperately need to set things on fire on the go, but I can’t figure it out for the life of me!”  And they have a valid point.  Lighters are hard.  They’re futuristic, they need fuel, and it’s impossible to ever get them right side up.  Thankfully, I’m here to guide you through the process.

First off, you need to get a lighter.  I will now instruct you on the method of obtaining your own lighter. Current lighter owners can skip this part.

  1. Go to your local CVS.
  2. See that lighter section?  Walk past it, those pieces are shams.  Go into the bathroom.
  3. Once you reach the bathroom, walk into the handicapped stall and take your shirt off.  This will make sense in context of the next step.
  4. Start swaying in a 5/9 rhythm.  You will feel an odd sort of connection.  This is natural, as you are forming a connection with the great god Xiuhtecuhtli, lord of fire, day, and volcanoes.  A strange buzzing noise fades into your mind in tune with your movements.  You know what you must do.
  5. Reach into the toilet bowl.  The heat has become unbearable, and the toilet water starts boiling.  It hotter than life itself, yet gentle to your touch.  You are a noble servant, a child walking down the great god’s path.  You reach further.  The toilet cannot handle the pressure anymore.  It feels as if the sun is glaring down upon you with steely, amber eyes.  Finally, the toilet explodes into a fine dust.  All tension is released.  You are at peace.
  6. You look at your hand and see a lighter.

Good job, friends!  You now have your very first lighter!  This personalized lighter has your name carved on it, and represents your new relationship as vassal to Xiuhtecuhtli.  It lives when you live, and dies when you die.

Now I will teach you the hard part: we are going to activate the lighter.  Follow my steps carefully and you’ll be lighting like a pro in no time!

  1. Find an empty field, and go to it’s epicenter at midnight.  Bring your cousin.
  2. Take out your lighter, and feel its essence course through your very being.  Your cousin will not understand, but he does not need to.
  3. Xiuhtecuhtli is life after death, warmth in cold, light in darkness, food in famine. Xiuhtecuhtli is hope itself.
  4. You start muttering the ancient chants of the Aztecs.  You do not know them, they flow into your head naturally.  An aura forms around you with aspects of day itself.  The moon fades away into the sun.
  5. Using your sacrificial knife, cut a hole into your cousin’s chest.  He does not fear death, but accepts it thankfully, as he knows the great respect he is paying towards Xiuhtecuhtli.
  6. It is now high noon.  You feel the weight of the sun across your shoulders.
  7. Plunge the lighter through your dying cousin’s heart.
  8. Take the lighter, now soaked in your familial lifeblood, and swallow it whole.  You should feel yourself ascending to a higher plane.
  9. You are fire itself.  Where your eyes gaze, warmth sojourns.  You truly comprehend the duality of fire, its innate ability to create and destroy.  You clearly sense the spider-silk line between positive and negative, life and death.  You are more now, observing from outside the system.  A volcano forms naturally around you, raising you millions of feet into the air.  You are flying towards the sun.  as you hurdle at a breakneck pace towards this fiery star, you smile blissfully.
  10. Put your thumb on the wheel in the lighter.
  11. Flick down quickly.

Congratulations! You have mastered the art of using a lighter!  It wasn’t so hard, right?  Xiuhtecuhtli and I are proud of you.

Until next time,

Ryan Fleishman

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