People,

I am sure by now you have heard some news relating to the death of Cecil the lion.  Cecil was a majestic creature and rightful king of the lions, with his flowing mane and 9 inch lion dong.  He loved to prance around his turf and fuck his lion bitches.  That is, until the hunter Walter Palmer brutally took his life.

Frankly, the murder of Cecil by the white devil Walter Palmer is a travesty.  Even after we look past the suspect circumstances of the kill and the morality of trophy hunting in general, Walter still broke the law.  That is right folks, Walter broke the laws of Mother Nature.

You see, Walter used a mechanical crossbow to hunt and kill Cecil the lion.  Where is the fairness in that?  A mechanical crossbow, a tool of man, used to kill an unarmed lion?  Disgusting.

If Walter wants to hunt a lion, he should have to do so in a fair fight like nature intended.  As such, Walter needs to give up his mechanical crossbow and fight barehanded on all fours, like Cecil does.  Furthermore, lions have fur that offers protection as well as claws for combat.  Walter must be outfitted with fur and claws to create a truly fair fight.  On the other side, Cecil is at an unfair disadvantage because of his lack of opposable thumbs, so scientists should surgically outfit him with an extra thumb joint to fix this.

But this is not enough.  For the fight to truly be fair, the two males must truly walk in the other’s shoes (or paws).  That is why Walter must live in the wild as king of the jungle while Cecil lives among humans as a dentist for at least a month.  This will give the two a deeper understanding of each other.

We can probably bring back the mechanical crossbow at this point, but Cecil will be provided with one as well.

Finally, we are ready for a combat of equals between Walter Palmer and Cecil the lion.  They shall fight in an open arena that favors both sides equally.  The duel will be at sundown, with first blood deciding the victor.  May the best man-lion hybrid win!

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