In the current job market, interviews serve as an integral part of the hiring process and a unique opportunity to set yourself apart from other candidates.  Here are some crucial tips for landing your dream job.

  • Bring your mother and/or father with you. Your parents serve as a great resource to vouch for your diligence, professionalism, and “handsome little face”.
  • Try to incorporate slang words into your vocabulary. Terms such as ‘swag’ and ‘bee’s knees’ show a familiarity with the younger generation that employers value greatly.
  • Remember: the employer isn’t interviewing you. You are interviewing yourself.
  • Do some research on your interviewer beforehand. Relevant information includes waist size, first crush, middle school reputation, and preferred sleeping position.
  • Make constant physical contact with your interviewer. Doing so establishes a meaningful connection that your interviewer will deeply value.
  • Take the initiative by telling your interviewer the most intimate details of your life unprompted.
  • Never directly answer questions. Instead, spend a large amount of time making roundabout statements that have no real meaning
  • Play up your involvement in your local BDSM club. Dominance in the bedroom equates to dominance in the workplace.
  • If you need to use the bathroom during the interview, invite your interviewer to come along. Conversely, volunteer to join your interviewer if he/she uses the facilities.
  • Make sure your interviewer knows that you won a 1st place medal in your 3rd grade Pee-Wee soccer league.
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